Trump wants to annex Canada but we don’t want anything to do with the world’s worst country
As far as attempting humor, Donald J Trump has a lot of work to do. He deserves credit for his comic gesture of keeping a small orange mammal balanced on the top of his head all these years, but his joke about Canada becoming an American protectorate falls flatter than a warm beer fart in a cold phone booth. Canada, in most global surveys, ranks amongst the best countries in the world in which to live. The Excited States? Not so much.
The latest survey shows that 13 percent of Canadians would vote for Trump in an election. I don’t know who these doofusses are but I am surprised that there are that many. I would remind them that 13 is an unlucky number and best to keep their ugly ideology to themselves. We Canadians are largely a peaceful bunch but our national sport is hockey and that’s a rough and often violent game involving large sticks. The national sport in the US is couch potato football, in which very fat people sit in front of their gigantic TVs and eat and watch very large people try to hurt each other, and eat. On the other hand, many of our top hockey players have no teeth so you have been warned.
Myself, I lived in the Excited States for several years and learned several valuable lessons that out of consideration for my fellow Canucks I should share. Just like in a knife fight, the first lesson is that there are no rules there. For instance, you aren’t supposed to murder your fellow man but in the States even church-going Christians are fond of carrying concealed weapons just in case they come in handy. In 2023, there were 19,252 reported cases of murder or non-negligent manslaughter in the United States. In Canada during the last census there were 691, none using hockey sticks as the weapon.
A 2023 report published covering 2014 to 2022 found there had been 4,011 mass shootings in the US, most frequently around the southeastern U.S. and Illinois. Remind me not to go to Chicago. Or to school, church or any place where there are a lot of easy targets. Americans, to be honest with you (which many Yanquis aren’t these days, playing ‘follow the leader’) are an angry and violent bunch. Based on background data and manufacturing records, it is estimated that there are 500 million civilian-owned firearms circulating in the U.S but only 6.06 million are registered. The rest are kept in holsters and car glove boxes for handy use during road rage incidents or traffic gridlock.
During the years I spent in the US of A, no one knew I was Canadian because I trained myself not to say “eh” at the end of sentences, although it’s been quite a while since I heard a Canadian do that. “Sorry” is still prominent here, even though it doesn’t mean what you think it does. Translated it means “I am not armed,” so we Canucks go about our daily business without killing or wounding each other over arguments about who has the best hockey team. Being invisible, I was able to infiltrate American society and not get knifed during the process. I even managed to escape alive and come back to the Great White North unscathed and in one piece. My advice; relax and stay in Canada because its hard to relax in a place where you could get shot any moment.
To turn the tables, how many Americans would want to move to Canada? Not many, I would say, not when its 100 below zero in Winterpeg. However, sentiment changes whenever Americans elect a psychopath, criminal, sex addict, carnival barker or fraud artist as President, along with his (its never her) legion of sycophants and toadies out to Make America Grovel Again. Those brave celebrities (Robert De Nero, Bruce Springsteen, et al) who have had the temerity to say rude things about the Elect may threaten to move to Canada but they never do. Here in Canada we actually pay high taxes, which alone would deter any god-fearing Yanqui from living here, and we have very few guns for sale, unless you want to go shoot a skunk and you could more easily do that in the States without the subsequent odour.
The last time Canada suffered an influx of Americans was during the Vietnam War, and all we got out of the deal was a scruffy bunch of teenagers wearing old Army jackets and applying for welfare. These days we have been importing refugees in huge numbers because someone has to clean the toilets on the midnight shift, and certainly Americans wouldn’t do that because they can’t even flush their own excrement down the drain. Few of these recent immigrants seem to want to relocate to the Great Satan, something to do with rampant discrimination and constant abuse. After all, it’s the American way; when in doubt, pick on a minority and blame all those poor people picking cauliflower in the fields for 50 cents an hour.
If Donald J. Trump wants to start a second career as a standup comedian or amuse his fellow prisoners he will need to find a better brand of jokes. “Canadians love America and they all want to join us,” he prattled recently, staying true to his life-long course of never telling the truth. Yes, we love to go to Florida or Hawaii when its sunny in the winter and on those rare days when the gunfire has been reduced to a trickle, somewhat like the rain in Vancouver every winter without the bullet wounds. As for becoming the 52–67th states, we will copy the Greenland rebuttal and simply state in simple Canadian style; “Go F — — yourself.” Meantime, there is always a hockey game on the tube to watch and be glad you don’t live someplace with a complete lunatic in charge of affairs, and that’s no joke.