Redefining America
By Michael McCarthy, Canadian to the core
These are dark days indeed, my friend. There are storm clouds on the horizon. Few know what the future will bring. But there is also a calm before the storm, so while the moment is still light it may be time to re-interpret or reinvent some words, like the brainiacs who submit new words to the annual Washington Post Mensa Competition. (If you have to ask what Mensa is you are not allowed to compete.) I have taken the liberty, like The Donald has promised he will do with yours, to list some new definitions in this essay. I apologize, like a good Canadian always does, for playing with some of the Post definitions. So, sue me.
Every year the Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary — any dang old word you want — and simply alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter, and to supply a new definition for this new word. It’s easier than it looks. For instance, I remember asking a teacher in high school if a person was humble, did they possess humbility? Or did you have to be humile to possess humility? I still don’t think he’s figured it out yet. Probably not a Mensan.
Let’s start with the first submission to the Post. The new word is Cashtration. This is the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Often such foolish behavior is committed by an Ignoranus, which is a person who is both stupid and an asshole at the same time. Speaking of, let’s move forward to Intaxication, which is the euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Such foolish actions are often taken through Reintarnation, which is coming back to life as a redneck. Such people live in the Bozone, the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Like global warming, the Bozone Layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. By now, of course, you must realize I am employing Sarchasm, the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. If so, it may be time to stop reading right now.
In order to catch up, you may need to Inoculatte, to take coffee intravenously while you are thinking about the Bozone. Venturing past the Bozone is Karmageddon, which is like, when dudes are sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. Getting past the bad vibes may require a Decafalon, the grueling event of getting through the entire day consuming only things that are good for you. Good luck with that.
Doing so requires a Trump-like skill called Glibido, which is all talk and no action, of course. This leads to the Dopeler Effect, the tendency of really stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you like the Donald’s endless waves of bullshit. The Donald is like a Beelzebug , Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning when you are worried about November 3rd and cannot be cast out.
The Post also asks readers to supply alternate meanings for common words. For instance, a coffee is the person upon whom one coughs when hearing yet another Trumpian lie. You could be Flabbergasted, appalled by discovering you are now as fat as the President. If you fear the thought of a Republican victory, you could Abdicate, or give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. If you are a Trump supporter you could try to Esplanade, which is to attempt an explanation of his policies while drunk. You could say Trump’s policies are Willy-nilly, another word for Impotent, but we won’t go there while Rudy is around.
We’ll move on to Negligent, which is a new Guiliani term for absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Many of these new words could come directly from The Donald himself and thereby be termed Balderdash, a comb-over for a rapidly receding hairline.
Finally, I hope you have been paying attention because there is now a Testicle, which is a humorous question on an exam. If you don’t think this essay is funny that may be due to your Rectitude, which is the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists when they think of a particular asshole. And we end our little sermon with a new meaning for Pokemon, which of course is a Rastafarian proctologist. Enjoy your day and stay safe. The end is near.
Let’s start with the first submission to the Post. The new word is Cashtration. This is the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Often such foolish behavior is committed by an Ignoranus, which is a person who is both stupid and an asshole at the same time. Speaking of, let’s move forward to Intaxication, which is the euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Such foolish actions are often taken through Reintarnation, which is coming back to life as a redneck. Such people live in the Bozone, the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Like global warming, the Bozone Layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. By now, of course, you must realize I am employing Sarchasm, the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. If so, it may be time to stop reading right now.
In order to catch up, you may need to Inoculatte, to take coffee intravenously while you are thinking about the Bozone. Venturing past the Bozone is Karmageddon, which is like, when dudes are sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. Getting past the bad vibes may require a Decafalon, the grueling event of getting through the entire day consuming only things that are good for you. Good luck with that.
Doing so requires a Trump-like skill called Glibido, which is all talk and no action, of course. This leads to the Dopeler Effect, the tendency of really stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you like the Donald’s endless waves of bullshit. The Donald is like a Beelzebug , Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning when you are worried about November 3rd and cannot be cast out.
The Post also asks readers to supply alternate meanings for common words. For instance, a coffee is the person upon whom one coughs when hearing yet another Trumpian lie. You could be Flabbergasted, appalled by discovering you are now as fat as the President. If you fear the thought of a Republican victory, you could Abdicate, or give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. If you are a Trump supporter you could try to Esplanade, which is to attempt an explanation of his policies while drunk. You could say Trump’s policies are Willy-nilly, another word for Impotent, but we won’t go there while Rudy is around.
We’ll move on to Negligent, which is a new Guiliani term for absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Many of these new words could come directly from The Donald himself and thereby be termed Balderdash, a comb-over for a rapidly receding hairline.
Finally, I hope you have been paying attention because there is now a Testicle, which is a humorous question on an exam. If you don’t think this essay is funny that may be due to your Rectitude, which is the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists when they think of a particular asshole. And we end our little sermon with a new meaning for Pokemon, which of course is a Rastafarian proctologist. Enjoy your day and stay safe. The end is near.