New meanings for old words
By Michael McCarthy
These are dark days indeed, my friend. There are storm clouds on the horizon. War in Ukraine, pandemics, climate change. Few know what the future will bring. But there is always a calm before the storm, so while the moment is still light it may be time to re-interpret or reinvent some words, like the brainiacs who submit new words to the annual Washington Post Mensa Competition. (If you have to ask what Mensa is you are not allowed to compete.) I have taken the liberty, like The Far Right has promised they will do with yours, to list some new definitions. I apologize, like a good Canadian always does, for playing with some of the Post definitions and adding some of my own. So, sue me.
Every year the Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary — any dang old word you want — and simply alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter, and to supply a new definition for this new word. It’s easier than it looks. For instance, I remember asking a teacher way back in high school if a person was humble, did they possess humbility? Or did you have to be humile to possess humility? I still don’t think he’s figured it out yet. Probably not a Mensan.
Let’s start with the new word called Cashtration. This is the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Often such foolish behavior is committed by an Ignoranus, which a person who is both stupid and an ass at the same time. Speaking of, let’s move forward to Intaxication, which is the euphoria at getting a tax refund, which feeling lasts until you realize it was your own money to start with in the first place.
Such foolish actions are often taken through Reintarnation, which is coming back to life as a yahoo. Such people live in the Bozone, the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Like global warming, the Bozone Layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. By now, of course, you must realize I am employing my own brand of Sarchasm, the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. If so, it may be time for you to stop reading right now.
In order to catch up, you may need to Inoculatte, to take coffee intravenously while you are worrying about the Bozone. Venturing past the Bozone is Karma-geddon, which is like, hey! Like when dudes are sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. Getting past the bad vibes may require a Decafalon, the grueling event of getting through the entire day consuming only things that are good for you. Well, good luck with that.
Doing so requires a political skill called Glibido, which is all talk and no action of course. This leads to the Dopeler Effect, the tendency of really stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come flying at you like hockey pucks. Beelzebug? Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning when you are worried about the next federal election being suddenly called and it cannot be cast out.
The Post also asks humble readers like you and I to supply alternate meanings for common words. For instance, a coffee is the person upon whom one coughs when hearing yet another lie in “alternative media.” You could be Flabbergasted, appalled by discovering you are now as fat as a former US President. If you fear the thought of a Trump victory, you could Abdicate, or give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. If you are a Trump supporter you could try to Esplanade, which is to attempt an explanation of his policies while drunk. You could say his policies were Willy-nilly, another word for Impotent, but we won’t go there while Rudy Guiliani is still around.
We’ll move on to Negligent, which is a new term for politicians absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. Many of these new words could come directly from The Donald himself and thereby be termed Balderdash, a comb-over for a rapidly receding hairline, but we won’t go there.
Finally, I hope you have been paying attention because there is now a Testicle, which is a humorous question on an exam. If you don’t think this essay is funny that may be due to your Rectitude, which is the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists when they think of a particular ass. And we end our little sermon with a new meaning for Pokemon, which of course is a Rastafarian proctologist.
Let’s leave the last words to two of the greatest practitioners of the English language of all time. It was Mark Twain who said “never argue with idiots. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” You have been warned. Finally, we leave it up to Yogi Berra to wind things up. “You can observe a lot by just watching.” Very true. Last but not least from the great Yogi: “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Enjoy your day and stay safe. Yes, he end is near. I would like to be more precise as to exactly when, but unfortunately we are already out of time. Meanwhile, have a great day.