Letter to a friend
Long time no see. You might not remember me, but I am your neighbor to the north. I’m the quiet guy in the charming little Craftsman Cottage. It’s not a monster house like yours, but our energy bills are lower and we like the peace and quiet. Speaking of, I’d like to mention there seems to be a lot of noise emanating from your direction these days. I know it’s not your house, but all the people on your block seem to be arguing and shouting like bloody murder. I’m wondering if there is anything I can do to help?
The first time we talked many years ago the topic was about the “trade deal” your politicians made with the madman Mao and his merry gang. I thought you weren’t supposed to buddy buddy with communists who murdered millions of their own people and invaded their neighbours. Wasn’t stopping communism why you fought in Vietnam? Partnering with the enemy used to be called treason, but it sure has worked out well for your corporate executives who initially funded the gulags. I heard that executive compensation in the US has increased 970 percent since then, but the Chinese Communist Party is also rolling in wealth. However, the CCP are buying warships and stealth fighters instead of yachts and private jets like you guys, which might prove to be a problem soon.
I remember showing you the new one dollar and two dollar coins we have in circulation here, called loonies and toonies because they have a duck-like creature on them and you had a good laugh, but I understand you haven’t even adopted metric yet, which leaves you decades behind the curve. We are a conservative bunch up here on the hill, you said, to justify why you lag behind the rest of the world in so many ways. It might be rude to say so, but every time I jog by your block on my fitness routine I see you folks are putting on quite a bit of weight. I read that most of you are now obese and many even morbidly obese, which makes me think you may be looking for happiness in all the wrong places.
I was going to drop by and have a chat to get updated but I have heard a lot of gunfire up there on the hill lately. I understand everybody there owns a gun or three. I’ve never even seen a gun myself but they sure make a lot of noise. I heard that mass shootings in schools and churches are popular these days. Maybe that has something to do with all the drugs you guys have been taking in the endless pursuit of happiness? Do you still claim “greed is good?” Speaking of guns, you haven’t got any plans to start any more wars or invade any more countries, do you? Nobody hates us here so we are somewhat short of weapons at the present time.
Speaking of invasions, in case you wanted to come visit us, sorry, we have closed the border until further notice. This is in connection with the pandemic that seems to be killing a lot of folks your way. It might be a good idea to listen to your health officials instead of your politicians, but who am I am to say? Sorry to mention your politicians at all. We Canadians are famous for saying we are sorry, but it’s just a way of being polite. You have heard of manners, haven’t you? No? Perhaps I shouldn’t mention politics at all, referring to the very strange people you have elected the last few decades. But then again, you folks purchase politicians like the way you shop for cheap stuff at Walmart, and I won’t even mention that WalMart has destroyed millions of small businesses, the kind we still enjoy here in Canada that support Little League baseball teams and ladies curling clubs. I won’t bother to explain curling, but it has nothing do with hair, especially orange hair covering up bald spots.
Do women have equal rights up there on your hill yet? Are women still allowed to choose the right to an abortion or do they need to ask permission from their betters? I read somewhere that a woman ran for President but a lot of people voted for a shady businessman with a dubious reputation for being a snake oil salesman and a habitual liar. Well, to each his own. How has that worked out so far? Is he going to win again, or do you think he will go to prison before then? I guess that decision and election results are dependent on Vlad the Poisoner, just like the last election, but that may be fake news. I remember George Washington said “I cannot tell a lie” but it’s the other way around now. A few thousand years ago the sage Confucius said “every culture takes on the character of its leader” and he was dead on. Some wish it was your current snake charmer who was dead.
I was going to ask you about all these police officers killing black people for target practice but in fact I don’t trust your police anymore because they seem a little trigger happy and might start shooting socialists like me soon. The other topic I wanted to mention was what we call global warming, but chances are you haven’t heard of that topic yet. This may explain why I can see from here that your house is on fire and you can’t put it out, or perhaps you haven’t noticed the smoke yet, which is drifting our way and making things hard to see. Before I go I should mention the hurricanes that are coming your way next, and the destruction of waterfront property, and the seas rising, but you are high on the hog atop the hill so chances are you won’t be affected.
We live modestly here so I am not sure how much we will be able to help you in your hour of need but I have a jar of loonies and toonies stashed on top of the fridge in case of emergencies and as soon as we take the empties back when the pandemic is over we’ll all be in the pink. I’d send you some money via all those Payday loan offices that are popping up like mushrooms since many people can’t make it until their next check, since I understand your postal system has mysteriously gone kaput, or is that sputnik? Have a great day. I will wait here for you.